Back to the basics—finding balance in personal relationships

By Laila Muhammad | Last updated: Jan 13, 2014 - 8:51:31 AM

“But oh! the blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one’s deepest as well as one’s most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort—the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person—having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.” ~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859

As we’re settling into the new year, I suppose a lot of time is spent reflecting on our lives, not just the past year. And we are forced to ask ourselves, when did life get so complicated?

When did relationships become so exhausting?

Why can’t we as women be easily sincere with each other?

Albert Einstein said, relatively speaking, that the simplest explanation has to be the right one. So, I will encourage us all to find the simple things in life and embrace them. Understand these things don’t have to be so difficult, we just have to be reminded of something we knew in our youth, that friendships are what we make of them.

I remember as a child finding joy in my brothers and the neighborhood children teaching me to flip off of couches, jump fences, climb trees, and ride a bike and shoot hoops through old crates nailed to poles in back alleys. I recall the excitement evident in my eyes when I made a new friend my first day of school simply based on the fact that we had chemistry. Have we forgone the natural laws of attraction that allow us to be drawn to people who have a gift that will match our own gifts? Those natural laws that tell you come closer or back away and the sixth sense that allows us to decipher friends and foes?

Do you recall a simpler time when our relationships consisted of play dates and homework dates at our grandparents table? Wherein he said he needed more space, it wasn’t some theoretical, coded language to mean that he needed time apart; it was simply moving the plastic fruit bowl off the table so we can have more room to draw.

A time when it was normal and okay for a group of girls to be friends, hang out, and not be envious or jealous because each one was finding herself and discovering her gifts and talents. Where we ran in different circles but still managed to hold on to the thread that brought us together. We didn’t let religious, educational, economic or cultural differences divide us. We simply found what we had in common and built off of that.

Have we become politicians and lobbyists in our relationships, vying for positions of influence, marital status, and clicking with people who we believe will take us up the pseudo ladder of success? Are you picking the people you want in your life, or are they picking you? Listen to the voice within that gives you discernment, and find balance in your relationships, try to give as much as you get, and strive to become better communicators.

I long for a time when relationships won’t be categorized as “complicated,” when friendships won’t be usurped by envy or jealousy, when honesty will supersede hurt feelings and deal with one another as we would deal with God if we were in his presence.

I recently attended a communication class, and it allowed us to understand the goal in every relationship while communicating is not to win but to get your point across and build affinity (a strong likeness) with the person.

We were instructed to sit in front of a partner, and just try to “be there.” No facial expressions, no body movements, no talking, just sitting there and looking into the other person’s face. The goal was to focus on the moment at hand and for me, like most working mothers, it was a bit difficult, I was thinking about all the things I had to do tomorrow, the things I didn’t do the day before, and going over my grocery list in my head. So no, I wasn’t “there.” I flunked and had to do it over again. When I finally relaxed, cleared my mind, and gave all my attention to the person in front of me, I actually listened to what they were saying. And when the drill was over, the facilitator’s lesson was most of us weren’t “there.” This workshop allowed us to understand breaks in communication and gave us the tools to remedy them, so we can build successful relationships.

When was the last time you had a conversation with a friend, and just listened? The last time you genuinely called someone to ask solely about them and not burden them with your problems? Let’s resolve to be present in our own lives, and others, from this day forward.

May Allah (God) bless us all to build stronger, healthier relationships, and understand that it starts with us.

Laila Muhammad is a Chicago-based writer, videographer and Final Call production assistant.

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