The Final Call

Are you a Tiger Mom?

What's your opinion on this article?

Not too long ago I was observing my nephews and nieces playing the “Just Dance” game on the Wii. I heard a loud screeching voice yelling at someone to “get it together,” I came barely into the room, and my 4-year-old daughter had her finger pointed in her older cousin’s face telling him to “win or go home.”… I couldn’t believe my eyes or my ears … who was this bossy little girl? I hid around the corner to watch it all play out. He didn’t respond to her trash talking, her telling him to just quit, that he doesn’t know how to dance, how he dances like a baby. And then it happened … she lost … and all fury broke out. She fell onto the floor, kicked, screamed, and then tried to fight everyone who was in her path. I held back my laughter and intervened and resolved the situation.

Later, I asked myself, where did she get that from? Who taught her that, was it I? Is this how I behaved when I played games? I played sports throughout high school, I was a cheerleader, played volleyball, ran track, was a part of the Jr. ROTC and a part of a dance team in college, and I had the attitude that I had to be the best in everything. If I was going to be second it would be to none.

Later that night I was listening to talk radio, lo and behold NPR did a story on Tiger Moms, Raising Children the Chinese Way on their “Tell Me More Segment.” In it they interviewed Amy Chua author of “Battle Hymn of a Tiger Mother,” where she said: “Chinese parents can do things that would seem unimaginable—even legally actionable—to Westerners. Chinese mothers can say to their daughters, ‘Hey fatty—lose some weight.’ By contrast, Western parents have to tiptoe around the issue, talking in terms of ‘health’ and never ever mentioning the f-word, and their kids still end up in therapy for eating disorders and negative self-image. ... Western parents are concerned about their children’s psyches. Chinese parents aren’t. They assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.”

Some may call them, ‘stage moms,’ ‘dance moms,’ ‘helicopter parents’ or ‘tiger moms,’ but ultimately we see them as overbearing, overly doting mothers who seem to live vicariously through their children. The ones who will spend their last dime on a pageant or tutu or do whatever it takes to ensure their children win in whatever art they are performing. So what exactly is a ‘tiger mom,’ and are you one? It’s also a designation given to mothers who raise stereotypically successful children by being strict parents. By focusing exclusively on their children’s academic perfection, these mothers hope to produce children who are able to achieve better performance in academic excellence, musical mastery and professional success.

Maybe I had a mild case of the syndrome and I was instilling it into my daughter. Some people also associate the term with an obnoxious, annoying person who is trying to live out his or her own unrealized dreams through the child. A stage parent often demands special treatment for the child, or appears to place too much pressure on the child to succeed.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with wanting the best for your children; allowing them to play in competitive sports, giving them that added push to be the best. But at what cost? Does anyone ever stop to think that maybe our children don’t want to be the football star their father was, or the captain of the cheerleading team, a beauty queen or student council president? Could these all be our unfulfilled dreams? We sacrifice to send our children to the best schools, will put them on waiting lists for the best programs, call all of our connects to get them into specialized programs, spend thousands of dollars on language immersion and extra tutoring, that’s all fine, but we have to check our motives, and our intentions … ’cause we all know what they say about good intentions right (smile).

I had a talk with my daughter, and when I asked her what she wanted to be … not when she grew up, but now … she said a princess! Ultimately, as parents, we have to allow children to forge their way in this world, to allow them to be whatever they would aspire to, and support them in their endeavors. Yes, they are extensions of us, yet they are separate beings. As mothers we should guide, encourage and help them to perfect whatever talent they have. Let’s put an end to the days of living vicariously through our children. May Almighty God bless each of us, to find our purpose, see the light, and walk therein.

Laila Muhammad is a Chicago-based writer and videographer.