The Final Call

Catching fire and not being consumed by it

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I took a group of teenage girls to see the second movie in the Hunger Games Trilogy, called “Catching Fire.” Besides the awesome theatrics, the message that I hoped they got was family is all you really have at the end of the day. And sometimes you have to sacrifice yourself, let go of fear, and understand that life is more than about you and your immediate family.

The heroine, Katniss Everdeen, who once sacrificed herself so that her sister could live, embodied the notion that a small act of kindness can ignite a change in the world. Through her love for her family, she defied government, broke the rules, and inspired rebellion. The main theme of this movie is an internal conflict between interdependence and independence. The first means to be mutually reliant on others, the dependence between two or more people, groups or things. The latter is freedom from control, influence, support, aid or the like, of others.

As I sat back and watched the movie it led me to think about family, which I suppose over the next few weeks of the year we all may reflect upon.

I cannot count the numerous times I have been a witness to diabolical and detrimental mind games played by parents who have split up. These war games supersede DEFCON 1.  Sadly there are never any winners and the victims are those miniature replicas of ourselves—our children. What should be our legacy? Will our children sit around recounting childhood memories or tales of mere survival?

Divorce is ugly! It destroys families, communities, and leaves us questioning ourselves. If that isn’t enough to deal with, when the healing is interrupted, or we as women feel like we didn’t get closure, we become enraged. This rage and bitterness spews onto our children. Children are used as pawns in our little games. We question them about the new parent, try to implement rules in another woman’s home, and use a man’s love for his children as a threat—he won’t see the children if he crosses us. 

I’m not talking about those of us who don’t know any better. Those young teenage mothers who haven’t been given the tools to reason rationally, or control their emotions. No sir, no ma’am, I’m addressing those of us who claim to be educated, smart, and enlightened individuals. The ones who say they practice what they preach. We are the ones who will yell, spank, and punish the child for just asking, begging to see their dads. Perhaps he didn’t send a measly $300, or is late on his child support. What have we been reduced to?  I understand children need to be taken care of financially, and I’m not making any excuses why a man shouldn’t. But what about your child’s emotional well-being? They don’t care about money; all they want to do is spend time with their father.

We need to end this cycle of producing broken children with unresolved daddy issues. Please, swallow your pride, because you are only holding fire in your body, and the laws of the universe will give you back what you send out. Do you really want to catch fire or hell, knowing that you did your children a disservice by interfering with their relationship with their father? And what self-respecting, God-fearing woman would ever put her business in the streets or on social media for the world to see? How will bad mouthing the father, the new wife, the children, their home, or their car add any good to the world?

Would an apology suffice? If he came to you and said, “I’m sorry for all the wrong I have ever caused you, I’m sorry if I lied, if I wasn’t always honest, for not being a better provider, for not spending more quality time with you and the children”—would that ease the fire in your soul? Perhaps.

What if the apology never comes? Then what? You have to be brave enough to forgive him, forgive yourself, and try to find a place where when you look at your children, and see him in them, there won’t be any pain, or anger. Accept responsibility for your own actions, and ask yourself, could I have done some things differently? The only person you can change is you. We have to know this too shall pass—but only when we start the process of healing.

Sisters, I love you, you have so much to offer the world with your gifts and talents, but don’t be like the foolish virgins in the bible, who waiting on the groomsmen ran out of oil, had to turn back, and missed him when he came. Yes, it might seem like you’re in a place of despair, but don’t settle there.

Remember “yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, God is with me.” No one else but God can you rely on. And God is not a Liar. Jesus promised that if you followed him, and carried your own cross, God would deliver you. Let’s look at the mythological phoenix that dies by fire and is reborn from the ashes. I know you are hurting, you’re angry, you’re bitter, and maybe mad as hell. But until you find peace and solace within yourself, you will never be free. Maharishi Mahesh Yogi said, the important thing is this: to be able, at any moment, to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.

May Allah (God) guide us to heal from our pasts, to not repeat mistakes in the future, and to understand every choice we make will affect our children and families in the long run. May Allah bless us with the gift of patience and to understand that everything happens by His will—but our choices impact our lives.

Laila Muhammad is a Chicago-based writer and videographer. She is also a Final Call production assistant.